


Weaponized

by TwelveSoul



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: A Choose Your Own Ship Adventure, Canon-adjacent, Drabble, Earth 199999, Gen, So., Um., also i think there's like one cuss word, and everything that happened in MCU after roughly Winter Soldier, but canon is a suggestion that the Outer Beasts whisper in my most tumultuous of dreams, but you'll probably survive so., canon typical amounts of Bucky having really went through some junk, cause let's be honest with ourselves, cw implicit Dissociation, cw implicit PTSD, is a mess., is also a mess., it's just a roaming drabble about idek 'cause i wrote it on my phone at midnight, probably????, rather than something we're out here actually going by, that's how you get back into posting fic right??, the ship isn't tagged though because there's really nothing romantic here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-09-25 07:03:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20372674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwelveSoul/pseuds/TwelveSoul
Summary: Drabble where Bucky Barnes reflects on the way his investment in his dearest friend became used against them both (and countless others), when he was made into the Winter Soldier.





	Weaponized

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Meeps](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meeps/gifts).

> Hey what up y'all, I don't think I've posted a fanfic since 2006 so, uh. Whoop whoop??
> 
> (Don't worry, I never stopped writing completely, I just Main RPing instead of fics. It be like that sometimes.)
> 
> On that note, dedicated to Meeps (aka Z-Chan to me <3), who finally gave me a way into MCU, which I've had my eye on since like 2011 haha. =v= We wanna post our RP(s) 'cause it's some real great stuff, but we're looking at how to best wrangle PoV so far.
> 
> Enjoy. There's next to no actionable narrative, but I still like it so here ya go. o/

Could you weaponize caring?

Bucky used to chase his schoolmate, Steve.

If this had been a physical race, with their legs and lungs, it would have been over before it began.

They had attached to each other at a young age, because Steve had the fiery fragility of a match, right when it was first struck. Bursting and crackling with flame, sure. But a gentle breeze could have knocked him over. Someone half his size could snap Steve in half.

And James-- Bucky-- for his part in it, had "sharp eyes and a deep heart," as Steve had put it.

Whatever that had meant, it was enough for one left-hook to get a scrawny twig his own age out of a fight to earn Bucky a lifetime of friendship, and trouble.

Not that Bucky minded the trouble-- not even as the costs became ever steeper, or even surreal.

Steve was worth it.

Bucky cared about his best friend and closest ally a lot; sometimes, maybe, more than he should.

Over time, you learn.

There was a certain way Steve's eyes would slip away for a moment, if he knew he'd found (more) trouble, and didn't want it to find Bucky, too.

It slowly became too obvious when Steve wasn't eating-- not from lack of availability, though that hit a lot and Bucky was used to doing his damnedest to cushion the blow. But sometimes, from being sick.

When they were young, Steve was always sick.

Yet Steve never wanted Bucky to have to worry about him. He was the kind of guy who was the Target of a _lot_, and something special about him turned that into wanting to protect others as much as possible.

So Bucky learned to read the things Steve wouldn't say.

The way an inflamed joint was written into his stiffened stride. The way a wet cough was hidden in the folds of a winter scarf. The way frustration was carved into a soft crease of his brow, and the hard balling of his fists, even if they stayed low (for once).

"You know we're the same age, right?" Steve had said once, as he ignored several months' age difference, but did obediently chewed on the fresh crackers Bucky had claimed were 'too stale' for him to bother finishing. Steve always moved slower if he was nauseous.

"You don't have to take care of me, Buck'."

"Take care of you?" Bucky echoed with a snort and a chuckle. "I can barely keep up with you!"

It wasn't just lip service for Steve's pride (even if there was a bit of that).

Even back then, Bucky could barely keep up with him.

But the more time that passed, the further the distance between them became.

* * *

They had weaponized James Buchanan Barnes. And they had somehow weaponized _caring_.

The Winter Soldier knew, in an instant, when a target had moved locations. When they were hidden in the first gap between the real space of a room and it's boundaries that their eyes would have fallen to after they saw a shadow move just a bit too fast outside their window.

He could tell by the way their eyes fell when they weren't sure who to fear more, the Winter Soldier holding them or the threat that held their tongue.... And when they simply didn't know what he needed, and hoped to find the knowledge laying loose on the floor.

It all made him a very efficient hunter. He was an observant man, trained to follow the slightest change, to notice the smallest detail.

There was never enough time to wonder how (or why) he knew to do these things. How could he tell? Where these skills had come from?

It was always right back into oblivion. The questions were gone from his mind before they were even fully formed.

The Winter Soldier was a ghost. He left no trace, because he understood the slightest shift in a man or his environment.

He aged only days, over the course of years. His handlers meant to Keep him.

The Winter Soldier was an excellent weapon.

* * *

If you got clumsy, or distracted, it was easy to hurt yourself on your own weapons.

Bucky could tell how bad he was doing-- or how _good_, but good was so rare-- by how well he could meet his own eyes in the mirror. By the way his room was kept.

There was something worse in him, if he could meet his own gaze with unwavering resolve.

_Sharp eyes and a deep heart._

There was something flawed, in the instinctive, natural tug-of-war, between the immaculate showmanship of a model home, and the haphazard clutter of a tired, broken, obsessively hurting man.

He wanted to be invisible. To be non-existent. To be a Ghost again.

Unfeeling.

Instead, he felt _so much_.

Bucky knew a hundred different ways to track or assassinate himself, in every single day.

And he recognized the hurt, distant, determined look in Steve's eye, any time Bucky made the mistake of allowing them to cross paths.

It was more familiar than the eyes in his mirror, that was for sure.

And he had been so clumsy with his weapons, since he had slipped from Hydra's grasp.

How could he start to heal? When he was still trying to hunt himself down.

It was the most challenging target Bucky ever faced.

**Author's Note:**

> There you go!! If you have ficlet requests, feel free to hit me up here, or at my Tumblr! Same username, twelvesoul there too. I prefer gen, character-specific, or mlm content, but I'm not picky with ships generally, and might consider other flavors of ship as well. C:
> 
> o/ Tyvm for reading~! <3


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